Wishes and reality
by Indian Summer 2378
Summary: The story goes on after 'A special proposal'. Sometimes life takes some unexpected turns.
1. Confessions

**This story takes place after the events of my story 'A special proposal'. I doubt this here makes sense without reading the other one first.**

 **Again, a huge thank you to KJaneway115 for her betaing!**

 **No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

For four weeks after the wedding nobody saw Kathryn and Chakotay. Both took a month off and disappeared. No one knew where they stayed and no one knew about the private mission they tried to accomplish.

=/\=

"It's good to be back," Kathryn noticed with a smile as she opened the door to her apartment and turned the lights on.

"It was good where we were," Chakotay replied and let their bags to the floor. He stepped forward and embraced his wife to kiss her passionately.

"It was better than good," she mumbled in his mouth as she entwined her arms around his neck. He hummed his agreement and lifted her off the floor.

"I'm surprised we reached the bed," Kathryn chuckled as she sat up half an hour later.

"I am not. We never did it in bed during the last weeks. You can't imagine how sore my back was."

"Are you mad about the way we spent our honeymoon?" She looked down at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Absolutely not! It was great. Just saying I like it the normal way too," he grinned at her. "…as long as you're the one I do it with," he added as his hand reached out to touch her but she waved it away and stood up.

"Let's get dressed and unpack our bags."

He sighed, disappointed, but obeyed and rose. They walked through bedroom and hall and each piece of clothing wandered to its place.

"Look," he pointed at the open front door were the bags lay. "I hope nobody saw us."

Her eyes widened in horror. "I hope not."

"Or heard us," he laughed and nudged her with his elbow.

"What do you mean?" She pulled her hands on her hips and glared at him.

"You are pretty noisy."

"I am not."

"You are. I never expected it."

She pursed her lips and picked her shirt up. "You never seem to have a problem with me being 'noisy' when we're doing… _it_."

"I don't have a problem now either, though I think our house should stand alone."

She narrowed her eyes. "Very funny, Commander."

He grinned at her comment, pushed the bags out of the doorway and closed the door.

#

She entered the kitchen and stepped behind him to peek in the huge pot.

"Hmm, this smells good."

He saw her puppy eyes so he grabbed a spoon to let her taste the soup. She melted immediately. "Oh Chakotay, it tastes wonderful."

He smiled pleased. "Good, we can eat."

"I tried to call Tom and B'Elanna," she told him as she set two dishes on the little kitchen table. "But they aren't at home."

"That's odd. Shouldn't Miral be in bed by now?"

"Yes."

"Have you tried to call Harry?" he asked and set the pot with the soup in the middle.

"No, I'll call him after dinner."

He nodded once and they ate in companionable silence before she went into her study while Chakotay cleaned up the kitchen.

"Admiral," Harry said surprised as he answered her call.

"Hello, Harry. How are you?"

"Fine, but the question is how are you and Chakotay. When Tom told me what happened on Voyager's anniversary night I didn't believe him."

"We are fine, Harry. And if Tom told you that Chakotay and I got married you can believe him."

"That's what he told me. Congratulations Kathryn," Harry said and Chakotay's face appeared behind Kathryn. "And to you, Chakotay."

"Thank you, Harry," Kathryn smiled. "Do you know where Tom and B'Elanna are?"

"They are on Kessik IV."

"On Kessik IV?" Chakotay repeated disbelievingly.

"Isn't it B'Elanna's home planet?"

"Yes it is. She hadn't been to Kessik since she left the planet for Starfleet. Her mother is still living there. Did she want to go visit her?"

"She wanted and it was her idea. They left Earth a week after you two got lost without a trace."

"We weren't lost without a trace. We were on honeymoon," Kathryn reminded him and earned a boyish grin from Chakotay. Harry's face got deep red as he watched them.

"Do you know what they really want on Kessik?" Chakotay asked as he could steal his eyes away from his wife.

"She wanted to show Tom and Miral her childhood home and meet her mother."

"B'Elanna really wanted to go and visit her mother?"

"Tom doubted that they would visit Miral but it was the plan. I haven't talked to them yet. They wanted to be back in June that's all I know." A noise from behind the screen got Harry's attention. "I'm sorry I have to leave. Will we see you at the bar?"

"We'll be there. Bye, Harry."

Harry gave them a nod and the screen went black.

Kathryn turned to Chakotay, sighing uncomfortably. "I better call my mother now."

"Do it," he kissed her cheek from behind her.

She tapped a few buttons and only moments later Gretchen's face appeared on the screen. "Kathryn, Chakotay!"

"Hello, Mom."

"Where have you been?" she asked insulted. "You didn't call for four weeks."

"I'm sorry."

"What have you done that excuses your behavior?"

"Err…," Kathryn looked at Chakotay for help but he shrugged only.

"Oh I know that you two are married. And you didn't call to tell me either," Gretchen said disappointed but Kathryn noticed a twinkle in her mother's eyes.

"I am really sorry. It was so out of the blue that we needed time on our own."

"I understand that Katie but don't you think your mother would like to be at the wedding of her oldest daughter?"

"Yes I think so."

"Then why didn't you invite me?"

"It's Chakotay's fault."

" _Mine_? Why mine?" Chakotay faced Kathryn incredulously.

"Why? I can tell you. I didn't know anything about the wedding you'd planned. You invited the guests. So why didn't you invite my mother?"

"I didn't invite either of our sisters either."

"That doesn't answer the question. That only makes it worse," Kathryn said, glad that she could turn Gretchen's not-so-serious anger at him.

"I'm sorry, Gretchen," Chakotay said quietly and Kathryn noticed a glance between the two.

"It's okay," his mother-in-law smiled pleased and Kathryn sensed that her mother had something on her mind.

"Mom?"

"I just thought that it would be fair to celebrate this marriage a second time."

"A second time?"

"Yes, with your family and friends."

"What do you think about that?" Kathryn asked Chakotay.

"I think it would be appropriate. Our friends are surely disappointed, too, that we didn't celebrate will all of them."

"You're probably right…"

"So it's done," Gretchen said.

"What do you mean by that?"

"We're going to have a party."

"Wait! We have to talk first. And by that I mean Chakotay and I."

"Okay," Gretchen rolled her eyes. "Talk and then call me."

"I promise."

"And Katie?"

"Yes?"

"Congratulations." She looked at Chakotay. "To both of you. It was time," she added with a wink right before she cut the link.

Chakotay laughed. "Your mother is great."

"Do you think so?" Kathryn leaned back and studied his face.

"What?"

"You two are hiding something from me."

"We're not," he turned away and busied himself with stacking her PADD's.

"Chakotay tell me," she put her hands on her hips.

"There is nothing to tell," he said without looking at her but she saw the corner of his lips twitching.

"Commander," she said, using her command voice what made him look at her.

"You know that this isn't working anymore?" He pointed in her face.

She pursed her lips and rose. "I will find out," she said as she left the room.

=/\=

In the following week they went to Indiana to visit Gretchen and start their search for a nice little piece of land.

As soon as they walked towards Gretchen's house the front door rushed open.

"It looks like we were expected," Kathryn laughed.

"I like it. She's happy for us."

"She is."

Gretchen stepped on the porch. "There you are." She hugged her daughter firmly.

"I… can't… breathe," Kathryn gasped playfully and her mother let off her to hug her son-in-law.

"It's good to see you again, Gretchen."

She pulled away and narrowed her eyes in a familiar way at him. "That's 'mom' from now on."

"Yes, Mom," he stood straight.

Kathryn chuckled.

"What?"

"That reminded me of something."

He felt a heat rising in his cheeks. "It was embarrassing."

"It was… but now I think it's funny."

Gretchen looked with a smile from one to the other. "You are cute."

" _Mom_ ," Kathryn rolled her eyes and walked past her mother in the house.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"Let's just say certain Starfleet captains think they are not allowed to be cute," Chakotay winked at her.

"She's not a captain anymore," Gretchen reminded him.

Chakotay looked surprised. "You're right. I'm still not used to it."

"Are Starfleet admirals allowed to be cute?"

"I don't think so."

"Sad… I always thought of my husband as cute."

" _Mom_!" Kathryn's voice came out of the open kitchen window and Chakotay imagined how her face turned red.

"Don't you think your husband is cute?" Gretchen shouted back.

"I can't hear you!"

Gretchen rolled her eyes once more and shook her head. "Did she behave in the Delta Quadrant this way too?"

Chakotay laughed out loud. "Not at all."

#

The three of them settled on the back porch after Kathryn found the homemade brownies Gretchen had tried to hide from her.

"We want to celebrate a second time, Mom," Kathryn came right to the point.

"That's great, Katie."

"We thought we could do it here in your yard."

"That's a wonderful idea. Do you know how many people you want to invite?"

"The whole Voyager crew with their families. And our own families of course."

"Which are not so many…," Chakotay added quietly and Kathryn stroke comforting over his arm.

"Chakotay's sister and cousin with family, Phoebe with whomever, you…"

"Don't forget Aunt Martha," Chakotay chimed in.

Gretchen raised an eyebrow. "You know Aunt Martha?"

"Only from stories."

"Let me guess. Shannon O'Donnell?"

The smile on Chakotay's face told Gretchen that she had guessed right.

"But only the Voyager crew with their families are about 250-280 people. This is going to be huge…," Kathryn noticed.

"Too huge?"

"No, the crew deserves it." She took his hand under the table and linked her finger with his which made his smile grow.

"You haven't told me yet how you two got married. The only thing I know is that Owen and Tom and B'Elanna were there."

"Yes." Kathryn took another brownie. "It was on Voyager's bridge."

"She was hiding from me."

Gretchen looked surprised at her daughter.

"I was a little overwhelmed that our first year on Earth was over and to see all these people again." She squeezed Chakotay's hand for support.

"That doesn't sound like you, Katie. Run and hide. And why you two got married? I don't mean that I don't like it but it was so sudden."

"I don't know…," Kathryn broke a bit from her brownie and played with it on her plate. "He asked me and I said yes." She looked up. "It felt right."

Gretchen frowned and Kathryn knew her explanation wasn't enough for her mother.

"There has to be more."

Chakotay looked at Kathryn and asked silently for permission to tell Gretchen the real reason but Kathryn denied.

"You have always seen more in our friendship, Mom. We now see it, too, and we want to explore it."

"I never thought you would marry someone before exploring the relationship."

"We lived seven and a half years on a tiny starship. We got to know each other very well," Kathryn refused.

"That was different, Katie. You said it yourself. You were the captain, he your first officer."

"What do you want to hear?"

"I want nothing. I am happy for you."

"Then why do you ask?"

"You always said there was nothing more than friendship between the two of you and then I received a message that you got married. I was surprised, happily surprised, but I thought there has to be more."

Kathryn and Chakotay exchanged a glance.

"There is more," Gretchen said loudly.

Kathryn sighed. "Yes."

"You are pregnant," Gretchen exclaimed excited.

"No," Kathryn replied amused.

"That's sad…," her mother said disappointed. "I always hoped to be a grandmother someday."

"We'll try to fulfill your wish," Chakotay said much to Gretchen's delight.

"Really?" Gretchen's face lit up. "You're trying?"

"Yes."

"Oh, Katie, come here," Gretchen jumped up and took her daughter into a firm embrace. "That is great, Kathryn. I am happy for you."

"Thanks, Mom."

"I am going to be a grandmother," Gretchen said cheerful as she let Kathryn sit down again.

"Not yet."

"Then why are you sitting here?" Gretchen pulled her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows.

"MOM, please!" Kathryn blushed to a deep red and Chakotay chuckled. "I'll get more coffee." Kathryn rose and left before her mother could say more.

Gretchen watched Kathryn leave. "You really did it," she said as her daughter was out of sight.

"Seems so."

"I really thought she would say no, though I wished otherwise."

"Me too."

"So how did you get her to say yes?"

He smiled. "I asked Phoebe for help."

"Phoebe?" Gretchen asked unbelieving and sat down.

"I didn't want to make a fool out of myself so I asked her to tell me something about Kathryn before we went away and it was very helpful."

"And she wasn't sad that you didn't invite her onboard?"

"Of course she was," he chuckled. "But I told her about our plan, to celebrate a second time… if there is something to celebrate."

"What's this for a conspiracy?" Kathryn stepped in the doorway, the coffee pot in her hands. Chakotay swallowed hard. "Chakotay?" She set the pot on the table.

He looked rueful at her. "I'm sorry."

"You asked Phoebe for help?"

"Yes," he admitted sheepish. "I needed someone to talk to after I made my decision to ask you to marry me."

"Did you tell Phoebe what I've asked you?" Kathryn asked calmly, which confused Chakotay more than if she would yell.

"No, this was only between us. I told her I wanted to ask you and that I needed advice. I told her how and what I had planned and she laughed at my plans so we talked and planned it differently. It wasn't exactly how we planned it in the end but I think it was more beautiful." He looked apologizing. "I'm sorry, Kathryn."

She exhaled loudly and he guarded himself for her attack. "It was beautiful."

"Huh?"

"It was beautiful. It was perfect." She smiled much to Chakotay's surprise. "And I'm astonished that Phoebe held back and never told me a word."

"She almost burst."

"The dress!" Kathryn yelled in realization and put a hand on her forehead.

"What?"

"The dress. Phoebe wanted to pick out a dress for the anniversary night. She bothered me for days until I said yes. Then she showed me that dress. I didn't think it would be appropriate for that kind of party but she almost pulled me into it. Now I know why…"

"You looked breathtaking."

"It's amazing that she didn't tell you the real reason." Gretchen knew how much her youngest daughter liked gossip.

And why did you talk?" Kathryn pointed at the two in front of her.

"I asked for permission."

"You asked my mother for permission?"

"Yes, of course."

"And what did you say?"

Gretchen smiled all over her face. "Take her."

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Why did I ask?" she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

Chakotay pulled her down on his lap. "Are you mad at me?" He pushed a lost strain back behind her ear.

She pursed her lips what soon turned into a grin. "No. I'm too happy to be mad." She kissed him gently and got up. "But my revenge will be terrifying."

"I better raise my shields."

"That would be wise," she said, patting his thigh.

#

Gretchen retired to her room for a nap while Kathryn and Chakotay started their search. Kathryn sat in her father's office, on her console a map, when Chakotay came in.

"Hi, do you want to take a look?"

"Sure." He bent over her shoulder.

"Those are for sale," she pointed on the map. "Here and here… and here, but this is too small I think."

"Yeah…," he tugged at his earlobe.

"Chakotay?"

"I thought of somewhere else."

"You found a piece of land already?"

"It's a suggestion." He turned his face to her. "Do you want to see it?"

She nodded curious and he took her hand, guided her outside and stopped on the lawn.

"Where now?" she asked slightly confused.

"There." He pointed to a hill at their left.

"What's there? I only see some trees and green grass."

"Our place… if you want."

Her jaw dropped.

"This is far enough from your mothers place to not be disturbed every second and close enough for our child, or children, to walk over here. There is no neighbor closely so you can be noisy," he wriggled his eyebrows. "And you said you want a yard with vegetables, we would have plenty of space."

"We would have enough space for Voyager!"

"If that's what you want… We could place her in our backyard but I think the people who visit her would bother us after a while."

"That's true."

"What do you say?"

"Let's walk over there. I want to see the view." He grabbed a little basket. "What's that?"

"Surprise." She raised an eyebrow and but he didn't say more.

They walked the short way through the grass hand in hand while the sun warmed their skins.

"I never thought about this place in my childhood years. It's wonderful," Kathryn said as they stood on top of the smooth hill.

He took a blanket out of the basket and placed it on the ground. "It is."

"A picnic?"

He grinned at her and pulled her down with him.

"Why did you choose this place?" she asked as they spread the contents, lots of boxes with food, on the blanket.

"It caught my eye when I was with you the first time here in Bloomington," he said and opened a champagne bottle. "I didn't think of building a house here, I just noticed how lovely and peaceful it is. And as you said yes to a house in Indiana I remembered it and I knew you would like it."

"I _love_ it," she told him and held two glasses while he filled them. "Did you know I would love it? Is that why you brought champagne?"

He smiled a large, dimpled smile and took one glass. "I don't think we need an occasion to celebrate… I simply like to spoil you."

She chuckled and held her glass up. "To our new home."

He clinked his glass against hers. "To our home."

=/\=

Chakotay woke up. Though it was dark he could see from the faint light of the moon how the wind moved the curtains. Rolling over he patted Kathryn's side of the bed blindly, searching to take her back in his arms but she wasn't there. He sat up and switched the lights on. Her side of the bed was empty.

"Kathryn?" he called in a whisper. He rose and walked in the dark bathroom. "Kathryn?"

Quiet, to not wake Gretchen, he walked downstairs and checked kitchen, study and living room but there was no sign of Kathryn. He climbed the stairs to their bedroom and looked for a note. He was aware of Starfleet's night calls but she would have written him a note, or wouldn't she?

As he found none he made his way into her father's study and called Starfleet.

"Commander," the poor ensign of the nightshift saluted even if Chakotay obviously came right out of bed.

"Ensign, is Admiral Janeway in her office?"

"No."

"Was she being transported to Headquarters?"

"No, Sir," the ensign said visibly uncomfortable. "This night is quiet so far."

Chakotay rubbed his disheveled hair. "Thank you, Ensign. Please inform me if she should arrive in her office."

"Yes, Sir."

Chakotay closed the link and noticed how nervous he was. Where the hell is she, he thought. The old willow tree came to his mind and he strode on the back porch where he suddenly stopped as he remembered that he had been there only once. With her, guiding him, on a bright, sunny day. He had never been there alone, and had certainly never been there in the dark of the night.

He began to walk in, what he hoped, was the right direction.

"Kathryn?" he called out into the darkness.

Nothing.

"Kathryn?" he shouted, walking faster.

Still nothing.

"Kathryn, where are you?" he began to run.

"Kathryn?" he yelled frantically.

A flash of light let him stop in his tracks. It came from the top of the hill.

Out of breath he stopped his run in front of her. "Could… you… please…," he took several breaths. "…never frighten me so much again."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you."

"What are you doing here?" he frowned as he realized that she was sitting on the picnic blanket.

She patted on the spot beside her and he sat down. "Lay back."

He did and saw thousands of familiar, beautiful stars on the black sky. "This is incredible," he whispered.

She placed her head on his shoulder. "It's the perfect place for us." He laid his arm around her, smiling, and kissed her hair. "But I have one condition."

"Anything you want."

"We take Voyager with us."

She felt him chuckle under her cheek and turned her head and kissed him.

#

She shivered.

"Are you cold?"

"Of course I am," she giggled happy. "I am sweaty and naked and laying outside in the cold night."

" _You_ seduced _me_."

She propped her body on her elbow. "I never made love outside until I met you," she said, poking his chest.

"After you met me _and_ eight years of celibacy."

"I had a…"

"… crew to bring home. I know that Kathryn. You don't have to remind me."

"Was it so hard?" she asked and he made a sad puppy face. "I'm sorry," she touched his face and kissed him softly. "Better?"

"A bit."

She kissed him once again. "Better?"

"A bit."

She rolled her body on his and kissed him more intensely. "I know what makes it better."

#

"We have to stop having sex every time we touch," she protested and sat up.

"It's you who can't take her hands of off me!"

"Don't say it's bothering you…"

"I'm not complaining. I rather think we have to make up eight years and it will take more than five weeks."

"You are crazy."

"Did you never recognize that before?"

"No. Onboard Voyager you were so nice and patient and now…"

"Now you let the beast out," he laughed and pinned her body with his to the ground. "I'm glad you did," he breathed against her mouth and kissed her.

Her body molded once again against his but her mind objected and she pushed him away. "We aren't teenager! Get off me."

Noticing that she meant what she said he helped her to her feet and they pulled their clothes on and lay on the blanket again. She snuggled against him and savored his body heat.

"This is it…," she whispered. "…our home… the place for our family."

"We could have created it today."

Without noticing her hand wandered protectively over her belly. She turned her head, facing him. "You're right," she beamed. "I can't wait to get pregnant…," she murmured as she placed her cheek on his chest, watching the familiar stars and listening to his heartbeat.

He caressed her back. "I know something…"

"No!" She raised her voice playfully. "Not again."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yes, tomorrow."

=/\=

"Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Chakotay," Tom greeted Kathryn and Chakotay broadly after he had opened the door. "Or is it Mr. and Mrs. Janeway?"

"Tom!" B'Elanna shook her head as she walked next to him.

"We haven't talked about it yet but Mr. and Mrs. Janeway sounds good to me," Kathryn smirked and glanced over to Chakotay to see his reaction.

"Mr. Janeway… why not?" he shrugged, not giving her the reaction she wanted to have. "Hi, B'Elanna."

"Hey, old man. How you're doing?"

"Great, thanks." He hugged her and B'Elanna let them in. Harry and the Doctor sat already in Tom and B'Elanna's living room.

"Sorry we have to meet here but Mom can't babysit Miral tonight," Tom apologized.

"No problem," Kathryn waved dismissingly. "Doc, Harry," she gave them a nod.

They settled down and Tom brought drinks while Harry explained Libby's absence. She was on a trip with her elementary school class.

After Tom set the drinks on the table and joined them there was a lull in the conversation and Kathryn felt everyone staring at her and Chakotay. "What?" She looked confused at her former crewmember.

" _What_?" Tom repeated with sarcasm. "We want to know everything!"

Chakotay laughed while Kathryn shook her head amused and smiled. "They are curious, aren't they?" She nudged him with her elbow.

"They are," he agreed.

"And?" Tom asked impatiently as they remained quiet.

Kathryn and Chakotay exchanged a wicked smile and stayed silent. They knew Tom almost burst in expectation and cherished every moment of power.

Finally Kathryn turned to the group. "We are married," she stated simply.

Tom exhaled exasperate. "We know! We want to know what happened afterwards."

Kathryn smiled pleased but didn't bother to say something.

Tom looked over at Chakotay. "You're not going to tell us, are you?"

Chakotay only grinned in response.

"We were on honeymoon, Tom," Kathryn begun to Tom's relief. "You know what we did."

Harry's blushed to a deep a red as he tried, unsuccessfully, not to create pictures in his mind.

"I want to know where you did it."

"Tom!" B'Elanna stopped him.

Kathryn chuckled. "It's okay. We did it everywhere except the bed."

Tom beamed with joy, Harry coughed over his drink, B'Elanna's jaw dropped and the Doctor's holographic eyebrows jumped under his not existing hairline.

"Actually I meant where you have been," Tom corrected her.

Now it was Kathryn's turn to blush. "Oh…, we were at Lake George."

"Lake George?"

"Lake George. I always wanted to show Chakotay the real thing."

"It is beautiful," Chakotay said and took her hand.

"It is."

"Perfect for a little getaway house," he whispered as he leaned over to her.

She was surprised but agreed eagerly. "But not until our house in Indiana is finished."

"Sure," he breathed against her cheek and kissed it.

They felt the gazes from the others and turned to see four happy people watching them.

"Hi," Tom grinned.

"Hi," Kathryn frowned.

"Do you want to tell us more?"

Chakotay chuckled. "I think they want the whole story," he said and gave Kathryn a quick kiss before leaning back.

He then told them about their little wedding ceremony, their escape to a quiet, small house at Lake George (he didn't tell them any details, to Harry's relief) and their plans for a home in Bloomington. He left the real reason for their marriage unanswered. The crew didn't need any other reason than their love for each other to believe their former command team.

"You forgot something," Kathryn noticed.

"Have I?"

"We want to celebrate a second time with our families and friends, including the whole Voyager crew."

"You want a big wedding?" B'Elanna eyes widened unbelieving.

"That's great," Tom exclaimed excited.

"The one on Voyager was great, too."

"We don't know… you two were the only ones who had the honor to join it," Harry said disappointed.

"That's right and that's why my sister and mother think we should celebrate a second time."

"It will be a huge party with Voyager's crew."

"Yes, that's why we want to do it in my mother's yard. There is enough space for everyone."

"And when shall this party be?"

"In July."

"A summer party, huh," Tom noticed happy.

"Yes," Kathryn said and turned to her former chief engineer. "I have a question… do you want to be my third maid of honor, B'Elanna?"

"Of course," B'Elanna answered, a little astonished that Kathryn asked her.

"Fine," Kathryn smiled pleased.

"Who are the others?" Tom asked curious.

"Phoebe's my first… she would kill me otherwise," Kathryn rolled her eyes. "And Sekaya is my second."

"And who's your best man, Chakotay?" Voyager's former helmsman asked with more than a subtle hint.

"I asked Mike but you could be my second."

"And what about me?" the Doctor yelled and earned a death glance from B'Elanna because Miral was sleeping in the other room.

"I have three, why not you too?"

"Okay. Tom, Mike and our Doctor."

"I'm always left out…," Harry said frustrated.

"We need somebody to watch Miral," Tom said and patted Harry's shoulder.

"Thank you," he replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"We would love to have Miral and Naomi as flower girls. It would be great if you help them, Harry."

"Of course I'll help," he smiled at his former captain.

"And I need help when I plan the whole thing," Kathryn said while her eyes pleaded with B'Elanna for help.

"I think Miral will do a fine job," B'Elanna laughed.

"Yes, that I'm sure of," Kathryn chuckled in response.

"I thought Phoebe would help you."

"Yes and that's why I need someone who will help me change Phoebe's weird and crazy ideas into something appropriate. B'Elanna, will you help me?" Kathryn begged. " _Please_."

"Of course, but I don't think I'm very good at planning a wedding. I'm not very romantic."

"That's exactly what I need. My sister is romantic enough for all of us." B'Elanna chuckled and nodded. Kathryn smiled pleased and took her drink from the table. "And now I want to know everything about this bet of yours," she said after taken a sip.

Tom and B'Elanna's faces got abruptly unreadable. "It wasn't a big deal," Tom said quietly.

"I thought you went to Kessik IV because of this bet?"

"Yeah…," he exchanged a tensed glance with his wife. "…that's true."

Kathryn, ever the captain, was aware of the look between them.

"There isn't much to tell," B'Elanna said before Kathryn could ask more.

"Didn't you visit your mother?" Chakotay asked and got a glare from Tom, telling him the visit hadn't gone well.

"We did," B'Elanna could barely suppress to snap. She snorted at Chakotay's quizzical face. "Let's just say she is still my mother and I am still her daughter."

"B'Elanna," Kathryn said softly, reaching out.

B'Elanna pulled her hand away. "Nothing to be sorry about. There are simply things in life which will never change."

Kathryn sat back, sighing inaudible. She noticed it was better not to argue with B'Elanna now. But she wouldn't be Kathryn Janeway if she let drop this topic forever.

Tom noticed glad that Kathryn hold back and changed the topic smoothly back to the wedding.


	2. Captain's assistant

Naomi chatted happily with her new best friend as they walked, or rather ran, out of school. It was a sunny day and only a week until holidays, that fact alone let the children's mood increase at a high rate.

Even if Naomi had found new friends and settled into life on Earth she missed Voyager, her crew and the life onboard desperately. She called Harry, Seven, Neelix and the Doctor often and they called her but it wasn't the same. Most of Voyager's former crew also visited her but all had new lives and only showed up irregularly.

The person she missed the most was the person she saw least often. Captain Janeway. Naomi missed being captain's assistant. She missed Captain Janeway's bravery, her endless hope, the way she trusted people so they achieved more than they ever thought they could and her strength, her larger than life strength, with which she could make fear disappear. Naomi simply adored that woman.

Through the first months after Voyager's return Captain Janeway spent a lot of her spare time with Naomi. It wasn't much but Naomi appreciated every second of it. The debriefings had taken their toll on the captain and Naomi wasn't the only crewmember who needed her help. Besides her own regular debriefing Captain Janeway made sure that every single person of her crew was fine. She had taken most of the original Starfleet crew under her wing while Commander Chakotay was debriefed together with the former Maquis and helped them find their way and maybe even a new life in Starfleet. He reported daily everything that had happened to Captain Janeway, letting her know how the former Maquis were adjusting and if somebody needed her help.

But still, with all these burdens, Captain Janeway seemed to never forget Naomi and when she didn't have time for her she sent another member of Voyager's crew.

Harry visited her mostly since he was one of the few lucky ones who had reunited quickly with his family (and Libby) and didn't need help adjusting. Harry tried to help Naomi as much as he could. They talked about her new life, about the things she was missing and he showed her some of his favorite places on Earth. Nonetheless he noticed soon that he alone couldn't help her. But most of the other former crew was still in their debriefings, Tom and B'Elanna had their newborn baby while Seven and Icheb had to adjust to Earth first of all. Naomi understood their reasons but she felt terribly abandoned. Captain Janeway was somehow aware of it (Naomi didn't know how the woman could know everything) and organized for her a weekly part of the comm time with Neelix. Starfleet muttered at first, the comm time to the Delta Quadrant was still not more than eleven minutes a day, but Captain Janeway was persistent and finally they agreed. Naomi was literally bouncing as Captain Janeway came to pick her up and walked with her to the Pathfinder Project. As they talked to Neelix and told him of the agreement he was on the edge of crying and thanked Captain Janeway exuberantly. Since then Naomi went one day a week with her mother or Harry or another former crewmember, sometimes even Reg Barclay, to the Pathfinder Project to talk to Neelix. The officers who worked on the Pathfinder Project were at first a little confused that a child should come every week but they noticed soon how smart and well-behaved Naomi was and started to greet her in a friendly way and helped her whenever she needed help. Commander Harkins even stated with a wink one day that as soon as she graduated from the Academy she could come to work at the project. Naomi beamed but refused seriously and said that she wanted to be a captain on a starship, like Captain Janeway, and Harkins nodded, while suppressing a grin.

But even with all those attempts to make her feel better, Naomi couldn't help but feeling out of place on Earth. Not that she felt like an outsider, no, but Earth didn't felt like home. Voyager was her home.

Shortly after Voyager's abrupt homecoming Sam introduced Naomi to her father. He was a nice, gentle man and didn't push her. They began to spend time together but she often cried through the nights, hoping Captain Janeway or Seven or Neelix would show up and take her back to Voyager which, of course, never happened.

The months after the debriefings Captain Janeway spent more time with her and Naomi began to feel better. They visited Voyager (but couldn't go inside, she was still closed), Captain Janeway showed her her new office at Starfleet Headquarters where she would work as soon as her leave ended (and she told Naomi she would like it when her assistant would show up sometimes to distract her a little. Naomi beamed and agreed dutifully).

One day Captain Janeway came together with Seven and they beamed to Indiana where Captain Janeway showed them her childhood home. The little girl was mesmerized by Captain Janeway's mother. She treated Captain Janeway like a child and Naomi never saw Captain Janeway squirming and blushing before. Gretchen Janeway told Naomi that she had heard a lot about her and was pleased to meet her in person. She thanked Naomi for being such a good captain's assistant and Naomi swelled with pride. Captain Janeway's mother also told her stories from Captain Janeway's childhood (even if Naomi couldn't imagine Captain Janeway as a child) while she spoiled her with cookies and brownies. Naomi never felt so full in her life. And never so happy. Life on Earth wasn't so bad after all.

But suddenly in February Captain Janeway didn't call anymore. And after weeks Naomi was scared that she had been forgotten. Neither Commander Chakotay nor Tom or B'Elanna called her and Naomi thought she had lost her meaning for the former crew.

On Voyager's first anniversary she saw all of them again but the captain was oddly quiet and also seemed nervous. A behavior Naomi never saw before and it startled her deeply. Tom told them in the night that the captain had just married Commander Chakotay and the rest of the crew cheered joyfully but Naomi didn't believe him. Captain Janeway didn't behave this way and Naomi was concerned that something was wrong with her captain.

Four long weeks she only got calls from Harry and the Doctor, except from her regular calls from Neelix and Seven, until one day Captain Janeway appeared on her screen. She said she didn't have much time but wanted to apologize that she wasn't there for her. Naomi told her that she misses her and Captain Janeway told her that she misses her, too, and promised to call her again soon but she still hadn't called.

"Bye!" Naomi yelled to her friend as their paths separated.

"Crewman," an all too familiar voice called out in Naomi's direction.

Naomi turned in surprise. "Captain!"

Kathryn opened her arms and Naomi ran into her embrace.

"I missed you, Naomi," Kathryn said, hugging her tight.

"I missed you, too, Cap… Admiral," Naomi said under tears and Kathryn held her at arm's length.

"That's captain for you," she said empathically.

Naomi beamed and nodded while she wiped her tears away. "Yes, Captain. What are you doing here?"

"I have a job for my assistant."

The little girl stood prompt at attention. "Captain's assistant, reporting for duty."

"Very good. It'll take the whole afternoon."

"Really?" Naomi's eyes began to sparkle but Kathryn noticed a flicker of hesitation.

"What's wrong?"

"Have you asked my mother?"

Kathryn laughed out loud. "Of course and she agreed."

Now Naomi beamed and sparkled even more.

"Here…" Kathryn gave her assistant a PADD. "…are the things we have to do today. What's the first point?"

Naomi scrolled through the PADD. "Lunch."

"Are you hungry?" Naomi nodded. "Okay, let's find something to eat."

Kathryn recognized the glances Naomi gave her while they were walking.

"Have you something on your mind?" Kathryn looked down at her assistant and saw how the little girl bit her lip. "You can tell me," she assured her.

"You look different."

"I look different?" Kathryn asked surprised.

"I never saw you in casual clothes before."

"Never? Rarely."

"Rarely... but it's not only the clothes…" Naomi glanced up and down on her former captain. "You glow somehow."

Kathryn eyebrows arched amused. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know. You look… happy and relaxed… and you smile more," Naomi stated pleased.

"That didn't happen often in the Delta Quadrant."

"No," Naomi's head dropped.

"Hey," Kathryn said softly and took Naomi's chin to raise her head. "Naomi, what's wrong"

"Are you mad at me?"

"Mad at you?"

"That I liked our life on Voyager? Everyone says it was hard for you…"

"Oh, I'm not mad. Yes sometimes it was hard and sometimes I was lonely but I met people I wouldn't have met and got to know without this journey."

"Like Commander Chakotay."

Kathryn couldn't help herself and started to smile. "Yes."

"That's what I mean," Naomi pointed in Kathryn's face. "You are smiling all over your face and you glow." Now Kathryn blushed. "It has something to do with Commander Chakotay," Naomi guessed.

"It certainly has…," Kathryn winked.

"Are you really married?"

"Yes we are."

"On Voyager's first anniversary?"

"That is true."

"Do you love Commander Chakotay?"

Kathryn chuckled and stroke over Naomi's hair. "You are very curious."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry."

"You don't pry and yes, I do love Chakotay."

"That is great, Captain," Naomi smiled broadly, her concerns and doubts forgotten.

"What about you, Naomi? I'd like to hear what happened in your life through the last months."

Naomi told Kathryn everything. From her new friends over her school to her father. She babbled endlessly nearly without breathing and Kathryn listened to whatever Naomi was telling her.

They ate lunch in a restaurant and Naomi told Kathryn from her weekly chats with Neelix and they laughed at the fact that there was no leola root on their pizza today.

"So what's next?" Kathryn asked as they stepped out of the restaurant.

Naomi grabbed the PADD out of her pocket. "Captains assistant's advice is required." She frowned. " _You_ need _my_ advice?"

"I do," Kathryn stated and Naomi noticed that Kathryn had chosen this restaurant on purpose when she was guided by her Captain around the next corner. "And here we are." She stopped in front of a shop.

Naomi's eyes widened. "Bridal Fashion? You want me to help you find a dress?"

"I have one but I want your opinion. And please be honest. I won't be offended." Naomi nodded at Kathryn and they walked into the shop where the tiny lady who owns it helped Kathryn change.

"Are you ready?" Kathryn called out.

"Yes, Captain."

Kathryn stepped out of the changing room and Naomi immediately began to giggle but hesitated to tell Kathryn the truth. "Tell me," Kathryn demanded.

"You look like a princess," Naomi giggled but her cheeks burned red as she said it.

Kathryn suppressed a chuckle and raised an eyebrow instead. "And what's wrong with that?"

"You are the queen!" Naomi blurted out and held her breath, waiting anxiously for Kathryn's reaction.

"I'm glad we see it the same way." She looked down on the dress and missed Naomi's relieved smile. "I don't know why Phoebe and B'Elanna chose this… maybe as punishment."

"Will you search for another dress?"

"No." Naomi's forehead wrinkled around her horns. " _We_ will search."

The girl began to radiate and gave her captain a proud nod.

After long hours and endless dresses later both were exhausted. Naomi hung tiredly in a chair while Kathryn changed again. She didn't know how many dresses she had tried, she had stopped counting hours ago.

Kathryn stepped in front of her assistant once again. "What do you say?"

Naomi sat up and beamed bright, her exhaustion abruptly gone. "Commander Chakotay will faint!"

Kathryn looked into the mirror and smiled pleased. "That's what we want. And do I look like a queen?"

Naomi cocked her head and surveyed her former captain. "No… but you look like a real bride. It's a beautiful dress."

"I think so, too. It's perfect." She looked through the mirror at Naomi. "Thank you for helping me."

"That's my job," Naomi replied seriously.


	3. A second time

The weeks until the wedding passed by at warp speed. Chakotay used his free-time to build at their house while Kathryn worked and planned their wedding with the help of her assistant Naomi, Phoebe and B'Elanna. She joined Chakotay on the weekends in Indiana, lending him a hand or two. They also worked on their family but still Kathryn showed no signs of a pregnancy.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, the day before the wedding came. To Kathryn's relief was everything set and done. If something should happen now, Phoebe had to take care of it. Kathryn just wanted to celebrate.

The happy couple decided to spend the evening quiet at home. They sat entwined with a glass of wine on the couch as the door chime rang. Kathryn gave Chakotay an unbelieving glance. "This cannot be true," she sighed annoyed.

"I'll go," he wanted to get up but she stopped him.

"I'll go," she placed her glass on the table and left the room to open the door.

"We're going to kidnap you!" her sister yelled happy. She stood with B'Elanna in the hall and seemed to be, at least, a little bit drunk.

Kathryn breathed deeply. "You are _not_ ," she shot her sister a death glance but Phoebe didn't even notice it.

"Oh yes we are and you won't see Chakotay again until tomorrow," Phoebe exclaimed and the man in question stepped, curious from the noise, behind his wife. "Chakotay! We are going to take her with us. There's no complaining!" Phoebe stated and B'Elanna helped to pull Kathryn out of the apartment.

"Help me," Kathryn yelled at Chakotay.

"Have fun," he smirked and as Kathryn tried to kiss him good-bye her sister closed the door hastily right in front of Kathryn's nose.

"I will not get of this, will I?" she said low as she turned to her sister.

"No."

Before Kathryn could reply she was dragged out of the building.

"This isn't going to be bad I hope."

"No. We just want to keep you away from you husband-to…," Kathryn gave B'Elanna a warning glance but Phoebe saw more in her sister's eyes. Grief.

"From Chakotay," she chimed quickly in and linked her arm with Kathryn's. "Don't be afraid. We just want to have fun."

"My fun or yours?"

"I think we found something in common," Phoebe winked at her sister.

B'Elanna tapped the combadge in her pocket. "Torres to Paris. Code blue."

Kathryn frowned and in the same moment the three shimmered away.

After materializing Kathryn glanced surprised through a festive decorated room. "Mess Hall! We are on Voyager."

"Yes," Phoebe tugged at Kathryn's arm and guided her to a set table.

"How did you get the museums chief to allow it?" Her mood was changing quickly from bothered to curious.

"We didn't," Phoebe stated simply.

"You didn't? They don't know we're here?" Kathryn asked with wide eyes but Phoebe made a poker face and didn't say more.

"We thought you would like to be here on Voyager," B'Elanna explained with a smile.

"I do."

"And we thought you would like to have some guests…," she pointed at Neelix's old kitchen and Sekaya, Sam and Libby walked around the counter, carrying trays with food.

"This is amazing. Thank you."

"No need to thank us," Phoebe answered for all of them and filled champagne glasses. "It's your last night as a single woman and it's tradition to make a party." She handed everyone a glass. "To Kathryn and Chakotay."

"To Kathryn and Chakotay," the others responded together, clinked their glasses and took several sips before sitting down.

"This looks delicious," Kathryn noted as she investigated the food. "What is it?"

"Taste it," Phoebe said mysteriously.

Carefully Kathryn picked up some food with her fork. "Leola root," she grimaced.

"It was Phoebe's idea," B'Elanna laughed as she saw Kathryn's face.

"You always talk about it so I wanted to eat it, too."

"You could have eaten it without us."

"That's no fun."

Kathryn rolled her eyes and even though all weren't sad that they hadn't any leola root through the last one and a half years they begun to eat, though the only one who seemed excited about it was Phoebe.

During dinner they shared stories, especially about Chakotay. Sekaya told them from childhood times, B'Elanna had an old Maquis story and Sam from one time Chakotay watched out baby Naomi in the Delta Quadrant and was desperate after only five minutes.

Sam explained it in every detail and Sekaya and Kathryn had tears in their eyes from laughing, the image of a helpless Chakotay with baby Naomi was too much.

"I know why I didn't make him godfather of Miral," B'Elanna giggled.

"He has changed," Kathryn justified him and wiped her eyes. "Now he can handle children."

"Children, maybe. But babies? No way."

"B'Elanna is right. He plays with children and teaches them but he was never good with babies, he always avoided them."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay's sister and really wanted to ask more but decided to change the topic. "Had you contact with him while we were in the Delta Quadrant?"

"Yes and it is good that you brought it up because I wanted to read out one letter he wrote."

"Really?"

"Yes." Sekaya rose from her place and grabbed a PADD. "He's maybe not good with babies but the way he cares for people is amazing." B'Elanna nodded in agreement and Sekaya sat down and began to read. _"I wrote this letter two years ago after our EMH was sent to the Alpha Quadrant and we thought we could establish a permanent connection with Starfleet. My latest message is written beneath this. Chakotay_

 _Dear Sekaya,_

 _I can hardly understand how you must feel now, after you received a message from Starfleet but I am alive. I know 60.000 light years is not just around the corner but I'm glad that you now, finally, know what happened to me._

 _I am a first officer. I have sacrificed my ship in battle. It was a hard time and I lost some of my people but I am well and so is most of my crew like B'Elanna and Mike. We met a Starfleet crew who took us onto their ship and into their crew and together we're on our way back but I think Starfleet told you that._

 _This ship, Voyager, is tough, I'm glad it is, we've faced more than enough hostile aliens but it always took us out of every dangerous situation._

 _Voyager's crew is amazing. It took some time for both crews to work together but we are one crew now and I must admit I call these people family. I think of you often, especially when I'm happy, and I hope you are happy, well and not alone too._

 _It's not only the ship that brought us this far. Kathryn Janeway, my captain, the one who made me her first officer, is the most fearless and courageous woman I've ever met. She is remarkable and can handle every situation no matter how difficult it is. She is the reason why we are still alive._

 _She and I got to know each other very well during our journey and we're more than just captain and first officer. She's my best friend, probably the best friend I ever had. With her I can talk about everything, we have dinner, spend time on the holodeck and join crew gatherings together. She is very smart and has a great sense of humor and I know if, no,_ when _you will meet her, you will like her._

 _We'll meet again, never doubt that. She'll bring us home._

 _Chakotay_ "

Sekaya smiled at Kathryn. "You brought him home and you made sure he will stay with his feet on Earth," she said with twinkling eyes. "I can't thank you enough for that. And he was absolutely right, I do like you and I'm glad to be able calling you family now too."

Kathryn hugged her sister-in-law with moist eyes. "Thank you, Sekaya," she whispered.

#

Kathryn stood at the viewports and looked absentmindedly into the city lights while the others laughed over stories Sekaya told them about Chakotay as teenager.

"What's wrong big sister?" Phoebe walked over and swung her arm around Kathryn's shoulder.

"I just thought I could sit at home with my husband and have a quiet evening."

"Is it so bad here with us?"

"No."

Phoebe searched her sister's sad face. "Oh no," she said, sighing. "Don't say you miss him."

Kathryn looked sheepish down and a smile tugged at her lips.

"You are only a few hours apart and you miss him already. This must be real love…," Phoebe said and shook her head slightly.

Kathryn chuckled and looked at her sister. "It's awful, isn't it?"

"It is," Phoebe answered quickly. "But it's also very cute," she squeezed her sister's shoulder. "Maybe it helps when you know that he isn't at home either."

"He is not?"

"Do you think we would kidnap you and leave Chakotay behind? He's with Tom and the others."

"Poor Chakotay," Kathryn face softened with compassion.

"Poor Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked from across the room where Sekaya's stories had found an end. "They are having beer, pizza and cigars and play poker."

"Poker?" Phoebe raised an eyebrow. "I heard something about a stripper."

"A stripper?" B'Elanna, Libby and Kathryn yelled in unison.

"I heard it… it doesn't have to be true," Phoebe said innocent and took a sip of her champagne.

"Phoebe Janeway, don't say you got a stripper for my husband's Bachelor party?" Kathryn's voice rose and even Phoebe stood at attention.

"No."

"PHOEBE!"

"Yes," she admitted. "But the boys seemed to be excited when I suggested it."

"I don't doubt that…," B'Elanna said angrily. "There is only one thing we can do."

"What?"

"We have one, too."

"I think that's fair," Kathryn shrugged.

Phoebe's eyes widened and she gasped shocked. "Do you really mean it?"

"Yes," Kathryn smirked with a wicked gleam in her eyes. "But not here."

It was late after four in the morning as the women finally got to bed, all with a wide grin on their face.

=/\=

Kathryn and Phoebe beamed on the next day from Phoebe's place to their mother's house and noticed with pleasure that the sun was shining from a cloudless sky.

The backyard was already split into two areas. One with tables and a large wooden dance floor, the other with chairs and a self built (from Chakotay, of course) wedding canopy. Phoebe made her old room into the bride's room and the spare room became the area of the groom with his best men's and friends.

As Tom and B'Elanna arrived with Miral and Tom's parents, B'Elanna and Phoebe helped Kathryn into her dress (and started an argument as they saw that it was a new one) and watched out that Chakotay didn't see Kathryn. Tom and Mike distracted him and kept him busy but Chakotay wasn't nervous. Kathryn was the nervous one.

B'Elanna left the little bathroom to search Miral while Kathryn stood in front of the mirror and eyed herself. Phoebe noticed panic on her sister's face. "Is everything okay?"

Kathryn shook her head and turned with wide, scared eyes to her little sister. "Nothing is okay. I can't do this, Phoebe!"

Phoebe chuckled. "You already did it."

"No! Not in front of all these people," she waved with her hand towards the window to the backyard. "I am their captain!"

"You _were_ their captain. Past Tense. Now you are Kathryn Janeway."

" _Admiral_ Janeway. They are still my subordinates."

"Not everyone. And it doesn't matter. A few weeks ago you said how much this crew deserves a party."

"A party, yes. But I shouldn't stand in the middle, Phoebe! It should be just a party, a gathering."

"With this reason, their former command teams wedding, all came. For a normal party they wouldn't be all here. But all are here. _All_ , Kathryn."

The last color left Kathryn's face. "All?" She gasped. "The entire crew? I can't do it! I can't do it!" She grabbed the skirt of her dress.

"Kathryn!" Phoebe ran after her as Kathryn left the bathroom in a hurry. "Stay!"

"No. You can have a party without this stupid ceremony."

"It is not stupid," Phoebe caught her sister's arm right before she opened the door. "Don't you love Chakotay?"

"It doesn't matter."

"I think it does."

"We are married. We don't need a second time."

"These people deserve it. You said it yourself, this crew did everything for you. They deserve to be a part of it."

"But there are so many…," Kathryn whispered.

Phoebe's eyes widened. "You are afraid?" Kathryn nodded shyly. "Afraid of stepping in front of them to speak?"

"Yes."

"Katie! How many times did you speak to all of them at the same time throughout your journey?"

Kathryn tried to count but was too nervous and shrugged only. "At some occasions."

"See, you did it before," Phoebe's voice softened. "And today is no different."

"It is." Kathryn turned to the window and looked outside. "I have to walk in front of them as Kathryn, not as their captain." A lot of the former Voyager crew stood sprawled on the lawn. "To do it as their captain is no problem, but Kathryn is uncertain, nervous. I don't think I can do it, Phoebe."

"When somebody starts to talk of himself as two different people I would say this person is crazy," Phoebe commented dryly.

Kathryn laughed and some of her tension disappeared. "You are right."

Phoebe laid her arm around the shoulder of her big sister and pointed out of the window. "You know all these people, Katie, and you know Chakotay. There's no need to be worried. You can do it."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am. You are the most… how had Chakotay described you in his letter… fearless and courageous woman he ever met. And I think so, too. Don't be scared, Katie, that doesn't fit you."

A smile emerged on Kathryn's face and she nodded.

"Can I leave you alone now?"

"Yes."

"And you won't run away?"

"I won't."

"And you won't go to Chakotay?"

"I promise."

"And you won't call him?"

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "How do you know I had this in mind?"

Phoebe chuckled. "I know you, Katie," she said with a wink.

"You do and I will not contact him. I promise."

"Good." Phoebe gave her a hug and walked away but stopped at the threshold. "It's not only that they deserve it," she nodded towards the window. "You deserve it more than anyone else."

Kathryn gave her a firm nod. "Thank you, Phoebe."

#

The door opened. "Aun-tie Ka-tie?" Miral peeked into the room.

"I'm here, Miral," Kathryn emerged from the bathroom and Miral's big brown eyes widened.

"Aun-tie Ka-tie pre-tty," Miral squealed and ran to Kathryn.

Kathryn dropped to her knees and took the little girl in her arms. "Thank you. Do you know where the others are?"

"Mommy kit-chen."

"Does she come upstairs soon?"

Miral nodded. "Miral dress."

"I know and I'm curious to see your dress."

B'Elanna and Sekaya came only moments later. B'Elanna took little Miral's hand and walked with her in the bathroom to change. Sekaya sat down in a chair while Kathryn tried to sit on the bed in her dress.

"Have you seen your brother today?"

"I am not allowed to give you any information."

" _Phoebe_ ," Kathryn's narrowed her eyes and Sekaya laughed.

"She is so excited… she whirls around and makes everyone nervous."

"She has too much energy."

"I've never met someone over forty with such a lifestyle and attitude before."

"I know what you mean. I know her since she was born and she was this way from the very beginning. I have given up hope that she'll ever change into a calm, quiet person."

"That wouldn't fit her."

"No probably not," Kathryn pinched the bridge of her nose.

"But she isn't bad."

"Not at all," Kathryn let her hands drop into her lap and looked up. "She has just… energy."

Sekaya smiled a very familiar dimpled smile at Kathryn. "You two are so different. I will always be compared with Chakotay."

"Because you _are_ very similar." Sekaya rolled her eyes. "That's nothing bad."

"Of course…," Chakotay's sister muttered sarcastically.

"It's really not bad, I love and am going to marry him after all."

"I know and I love him, too. He's a good big brother."

"He's the best man I've ever met," Kathryn smiled.

Sekaya opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Who is there?" she called out.

"Naomi."

"Come in."

Naomi opened the door and walked in. She was already fully dressed and stopped, standing at full attention, in front of Kathryn. "Do you need your assistant's help, Captain?" she said while she beamed all over her face.

"No. We're waiting presently for B'Elanna and Miral," Kathryn said and in that moment the door opened and a proud Miral stepped out. She wore a rose dress and her hair was pinned up.

"Miral, you look lovely," Kathryn told her.

"I don't know how long it will stay this way…," B'Elanna smirked.

"We'll take a picture of her now and show it around later."

"If we take a picture you have to be on it," Sekaya decided and placed Kathryn in the middle between Miral and Naomi.

"I go Da-ddy," Miral exclaimed after a few photos and ran out of the door.

Kathryn laughed. "What she hadn't learned through the first months she had learned now. She is growing fast."

"Oh, yes," B'Elanna agreed with a tired sigh.

Miral ran as fast as her short, chubby legs could to the next room. "Da-ddy!" She stood proud in the middle and pointed on her dress.

"You look beautiful," Tom whirled his daughter around so her dress swung around her legs. "Are the other girls ready, too?" he asked as he stopped and Miral nodded in response.

"Miral, you really look beautiful," Chakotay said and she beamed even more. "How does Kathryn look?"

"Pre-tty."

"You shouldn't ask, Chakotay," Tom told him with a shook of his head.

"Hello young men," Gretchen knocked at the door and her head appeared in the doorway. "Are you all dressed?"

"What if we aren't?" Tom asked mischievously.

"It wouldn't bother me, but it might bother you." Gretchen raised an eyebrow and walked through the group of men. "Could you please let me alone with my son?"

"Of course," Voyager's former helmsman answered and patted Chakotay's rear end. "Good luck."

Tom picked Miral up and everyone left the room. "I think he now wished he'd married Kathryn already in the Delta Quadrant," Tom guessed as he closed the door behind them.

Chakotay watched Gretchen walking silently through the room, touching things and reminiscing like Kathryn does.

"Is this a bride's mother/son-to-be thing?" he said just to say something.

"No," Gretchen laughed and turned to him. "I don't think you need that," she smirked and got thoughtful. "I want to thank you, Chakotay," she said quietly.

"Thank me?"

"You brought my daughter back."

"That was more she than me."

"No, I don't mean the Delta Quadrant," Gretchen waved dismissingly with her hand. "I mean my daughter, not the captain. She had gone through so much in her life, experienced so many terrible things that changed her but for the first time since… long ago I see my baby happy. _Really_ happy. She got back to the person she was before the accident on Tau Ceti Prime."

"I never saw her before that."

"And yet you know her…," Gretchen touched a framed picture of her family. "I don't know how you do it but you see her how she really is. A happy, open and smart person."

"Brave and wise…"

"Stubborn," they said together and shared a laugh.

"Come here, son," Gretchen commanded and hugged him. "Thank you for waiting as she needed time and thank you for pushing her at the right time."

Chakotay's face broke into a grin and he released her.

They turned but Gretchen stopped before they reached the door. "If you ever hurt her I will hurt you," she warned him.

"I will never hurt her, I promise," Chakotay assured her.

"That's what I wanted to hear," she smiled and patted his chest. "And now… marry my daughter!"

"Yes, Ma'am."

The ceremony was short and solemnly. Though Chakotay didn't faint as he saw Kathryn his radiant smile was more than enough for Kathryn and Naomi. Kathryn and Chakotay both spoke a vow, which was not quite as personal as the one on Voyager, and their former crew exploded in cheer and applause as they exchanged the kiss. It wasn't really a kiss since Kathryn wasn't able to keep a straight face and giggled against Chakotay's mouth.

While the crew calmed down and slowly went over to the tables Kathryn and Chakotay stole themselves a few quiet moments in the house.

Tom stood in the middle of the dance floor and tapped his spoon against his champagne glass to get everybody's attention. "Ladies and Gentlemen, children," he gestured wide and Kathryn and Chakotay walked next to him, smiling brightly. "I proudly announce Mr. and Mrs. Janeway."

The crew cheered loudly again and through the next hour Voyager's latest newlyweds got hugs, handshakes and congratulations until Gretchen decided it's time for dinner.

They ate and danced, listened to toasts, laughed and shared stories until the morning light came.


	4. Wishing and hoping

The following months passed by more quietly. Chakotay worked with enthusiasm on their house until the new semester started and he and Kathryn could only go to Indiana on the weekends. They watched Miral from time-to-time and Kathryn spent a lot of time with Naomi who was feeling unsettled after her parents told her her father would move in, but with Kathryn's help she faced and appreciated it soon.

Kathryn and Chakotay also still worked on their own family. Without success. Kathryn was getting impatient and Chakotay told her often that they had only been trying a few months and this needed time but she didn't listen to his words. At first he was amused and liked the fact that she jumped at him every time they were alone but as time went by he started to worry. This wasn't like the Kathryn Janeway he knew, though he knew how she was when she wanted something. And in this case it included sex (with him!) so he didn't complain.

=/\=

Slowly summer changed into autumn and heavy grey clouds lay over San Francisco Bay.

Kathryn's mood was as grey as the fog.

She stood in her office, staring out of the window.

She had received a message from Starfleet command, telling her she had to go on a four week mission. Kathryn would rather give this mission to someone else and stay on Earth though she knew she was the best for this job.

If only I were in a better mood, she thought, sighing deeply.

She knew exactly why she was in a bad mood. This whole baby thing was driving her crazy and her impatience had turned into sorrow.

For some time now she pondered whether she could be the reason why she wasn't pregnant yet. She wasn't that young anymore but these days it was not unusual for women to have children at her age. So why hadn't they succeeded yet? Was it Chakotay's fault? Maybe.

Why is this so important to me? she asked herself.

She knew the answer and a smile tugged at her lips as she walked over to her desk, opening the bottom drawer. Carefully she picked a framed picture out; a picture of Chakotay and Miral, lying fast asleep in her bed, and Chakotay had his arm protectively around the little girl.

Kathryn took this picture as they failed to get Miral to sleep. She was mesmerized as she saw them and wanted to keep this sight forever so she took the photo but it wasn't really necessary, she only had to close her eyes and could see the two sleeping peacefully every time she wanted to. On this night she had known suddenly what she wanted even if she needed some time to fully realize it.

She touched the image softly and her smile reached her eyes.

If only I could have this on my own, she thought and her smile faded. When had this wish grow so large that she couldn't think of anything else anymore? She didn't know.

She turned her head and stared out into the fog.

=/\=

Four weeks.

Four weeks without her.

Chakotay didn't know how he'd survived it.

He dismissed his class and left the classroom, smiling as he heard one of his cadets whispering to another that he was glad that the admiral was coming back today. Lots of agreeing noises followed and Chakotay couldn't help but smirk. He had made their lives hard through the time he was alone but he needed to be busy since he missed his wife desperately. It was her first mission after their wedding and he knew of course that he couldn't join her but it had felt odd to let her go alone. At least Tuvok was with her.

Chakotay entered his office and ordered a tea from the replicator before he sat down behind his desk. Several piles of PADD's wanted to be read but he had only eyes for the chronometer.

One hour fifty-five minutes until Kathryn's ship should reach Earth's orbit.

Taking a sip of his tea, he grabbed a PADD.

The words in front of him didn't make sense and soon his eyes wandered to the chronometer again.

One hour fifty-two minutes.

He had survived four weeks, he would survive one hour fifty-two minutes more. He had to.

After the fourth time of trying to concentrate on the PADD he laid it aside. This wasn't going to work.

Maybe a walk could distract him.

He gathered his things and left the building. The weather was surprisingly friendly for a November day in San Francisco.

Using the nearby transporter, he went into the city and found himself in front of a café some time later. There was an old clock in the window.

One hour twenty-five minutes.

Another tea could help, he decided and went inside.

With a tea-to-go in his hands he stepped out and started to walk without a special destination.

As much as he missed Kathryn he hoped this journey had distracted her from their private task. She was so sad as she left and he hoped she was feeling better now and could think more clearly.

He sipped his tea and smiled in anticipation. There was one thing he wished wouldn't change…

He stopped abruptly as he recognized what was in front of him. Voyager. Her beloved starship; _their_ beloved starship.

Confused he looked around. He hadn't noticed that he was on Presidio ground.

Voyager towered over the place and Chakotay shook his head slightly and chuckled. This ship was like a magnet, pulling at him.

Knowing that he had enough time he crossed the place to pay Voyager a visit but regretted his decision as he saw the mass of people in front of the entrance.

A blow hit him in his gut. These people wanted to see Voyager, wanted to know her story, wanted to touch her.

Suppressing the upwelling emotions, jealousy, anger, sadness, he stumbled a few steps backwards. He couldn't explain why it bothered him so much. Voyager had become a museum over half a year ago. He had been at the opening ceremony. He shouldn't react this way.

Maybe he did because she had been his home for seven years and as a private man he didn't like to have strangers in the places he loved.

As he turned to get away someone called out in his direction. "Commander!"

He would've groaned and tried to hide if he hadn't recognized this voice. "Kathryn?!" he said visibly surprised.

She stood a few meters away and before he could fully realize it she rushed into his arms.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, hugging her tight.

"We're early," she said and held him at arm's length. "I was at your office but you weren't there so I asked the transporter chief and he told me you left an hour ago, beaming into the city. I thought…," she gestured over to Voyager. "And I was right."

Still a little stunned he touched her cheek softly and his face broke into a grin. Leaning into her, he gave her a proper welcome home kiss.

"Welcome back," he whispered as their lips parted. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

He studied her face and noticed a shimmer in her eyes. "How are you?"

She smiled the brightest smile her ever saw. "I don't feel very well…"

"Kathryn?" He frowned.

"I felt sick for the whole journey."

A flutter began to rise in his stomach. "Space sickness," he guessed.

"I don't think so."

"The flu?"

She shook her head and the flutter tingled through his whole body.

"Hmmm, maybe it was because I wasn't at your side?" he grinned.

She pursed her lips playfully. "No."

"Or you were homesick."

"I rarely feel homesick."

He tightened his grip and pulled her close. "That leaves only one thing…" He let his voice trail off and showed her his dimples.

"Yes."

"Sure?"

"No, but the symptoms are."

"Kathryn!" he shouted excited.

"We are going to have a baby."

He lowered his head and kissed her tenderly.

"We should go to the Doctor," he said after he broke the kiss.

"As soon as possible."

=/\=

Luckily they could transport to Starfleet Medical the next afternoon where the Doctor awaited them.

"Please state the nature of the medical emergency," he joked after he called them in.

"No emergency, Doctor," Kathryn replied. "I wasn't feeling well."

"You weren't feeling well?" He raised one of his holographic eyebrows. "Normally it takes you more than a little un-well-being to come to me."

She gave him a death glance and he ducked his head and guided her quickly to a biobed. She sat on the bed and Chaktotay took her hand as the Doctor began to scan her.

"Hmmm…"

"Doctor?" Kathryn asked with hopeful excitement.

He closed his tricorder and smiled, pleased. "There is nothing wrong with you."

Her face fell. "Nothing? There is nothing?"

"Everything is fine," he assured her. As he saw the disappointed and almost sad expressions on the faces of his former command team he frowned. "Should there be something wrong?"

"No, I just thought…," Kathryn looked down and swallowed her emotions before she faced the Doctor. "I thought I might be pregnant."

"Oh!" The Doctor opened his tricorder again and scanned her midsection carefully but shook his head. "I'm sorry, Admiral. You aren't pregnant."

It was quiet before Chakotay spoke. "Is she okay? She felt sick through the journey."

"She is okay. I guess it was spacesickness. Many crewmembers on several ships had through the last few weeks symptoms of spacesickness. There was a neutronic wave near the Eridanus system."

"I heard about it," Kathryn said low. "But I rarely feel spacesick so…"

"Don't worry, we'll try on," Chakotay interrupted her and Kathryn could muster a small smile and nodded at him.

"I want to run some tests," the Doctor said and gathered his tools. "I think I can find a way to help you increase your chances."

Kathryn laid down and Chakotay stepped aside while the Doctor ran his tests.

Twenty minutes later he was finished and Kathryn sat up.

"I'll check my scans. Please wait here, I'll be right back," the Doctor said and left for his office, leaving Kathryn and Chakotay alone.

"How are you?" Chakotay asked.

Kathryn made a grunting noise and leaned her forehead against Chakotay's chest. "I've felt better."

Rubbing her back, he kissed her hair and couldn't stop a smile. 'I've felt better' was much more than her usual 'I'm fine'. "I'm sure the Doctor will find something that'll help us," he said, placing his chin on her head. "And then we can go home and have…"

"Chakotay!" She slapped him playfully.

"Yes," he grinned like the devil himself. "You will have _me._ "

She straightened her back to look at him. "You're incorrigible," she told him but her twinkling eyes gave her away.

He was happy that he had lifted her mood and cupped her cheeks and kissed her. Feeling her relaxing, he deepened the kiss and his hands dropped to her shoulders while hers wandered over his body.

Suddenly the Doctor cleared his throat loudly beside them and they jumped apart.

Kathryn blushed but got her expression quickly under control and squared her shoulders. "Doctor?"

"Admiral, Commander, I checked my scans," he said hesitantly, fiddling with the PADD in his hands. "You are menopausal, Admiral."

Kathryn froze. Helplessly the Doctor looked at Chakotay, only to see that he was stunned, too.

"I want to take further scans," the Doctor said empathically to get their attention.

"No," Kathryn shook her head. "We should go home."

"Admiral…"

"No!" she said a little too loud and stopped herself. "Thank you, Doctor."

Getting off the bed, she took Chakotay's hand and the Doctor could only watch as they left.

On their walk home it was awfully quiet. Kathryn showed no emotions and Chakotay didn't know what to think of it at all.

As they were home he opened the door. Walking in, she took her coat off and hung it on the wardrobe, rubbing her face when her hands were free.

"Are you thirsty?" he asked.

She raised her head and shook it and he noticed how hard she pressed her lips together. "Kathryn…," he started but her cry interrupted him.

"It's my fault!"

"It's nobody's fault," he replied firmly. "There are things not even you can change. It's just nature."

"But if I had let you in my life sooner…"

"There is a time for everything. And we needed this time." He tried to look her in the eyes but she avoided his gaze.

"Now it's too late," she said sadly and he followed her into their bedroom where she lay down on her side of the bed. "We will never have children because of me."

"We will have other things and we have other opportunities to have children."

"I want yours." She grabbed her pillow.

His heart broke at the sight of her and he sat down beside her. "I know. And I want yours but the galaxy has decided that we can't have our own children. We have to accept it."

"I can't," she whispered. "I don't want to…"

He started to caress her hair. "One day you will," he soothed her quietly.

"It's my fault…"

"It is not! Stop saying that."

He pulled his shoes off, lay down behind her and took her in his arms. This night they made love; gentle, tender, just to feel each other. And he promised her to be there for her and she promised him to give herself time.


	5. Adjustments

The half built house stood abandoned in Bloomington, Indiana. The first snow covered the wooden walls like a soft blanket. Chakotay didn't have time to work on it. He spent every free minute with his wife.

Kathryn had fallen into a depression after the Doctor told her she couldn't have a child on her own anymore. She began to sleep all day in their darkened bedroom, didn't eat, and if she ate, she immediately threw up. She also forbade Chakotay every offer to make her feel better. The first two weeks he thought she just needed time to adjust but every new day was worse than the day before.

Every time he made a new attempt to help her she reacted like a cornered, wounded animal, hissing and barking. It reminded him of the time in the void. Back then he hadn't helped her, the circumstances had brought her back on the line but he couldn't, and wouldn't, want to wait this time for special circumstances. He had to do something. Quickly.

First he asked Gretchen for help. She was the one he could honestly talk to since she was the only person who knew the real reason for Kathryn's feelings. She told him about the time after her father's and Justin's death. Gretchen suggested in the end contacting a counselor but when Chakotay asked Kathryn she simply waved it off.

He also talked to Phoebe, she was the one who brought Kathryn back into life after the accident on Tau Ceti Prime, and she told him that Kathryn had slept all day, too, and she had to be very persistent as she helped Kathryn out of her depression. Phoebe suggested a dog, a puppy. Kathryn loved dogs and maybe taking care of a dog could help her.

A few days later, Chakotay visited a family who had puppies but somehow he didn't feel it would be right without asking Kathryn first. Needing fresh air, he walked back instead of being transported. Of course he was suffering, too, that they couldn't have a baby, but Kathryn needed him now. His strength, his calm presence. He couldn't grieve, he had to be strong for her.

A cold wind blew in his face and he pulled his coat higher as he entered the park near their home where they played with Miral. The memories filled him with sadness but he accepted it.

A man with a small child, Chakotay guessed it was about four years old, and a dog caught his eye. They were playing and the boy held the dog eagerly at the collar. Chakotay smiled but the smile faded as fast as it appeared. He would never experience this. He would never have a child. Life is hard. Damn, sometimes life sucks.

Where does this deep urge come from, he thought. Hadn't he accepted, in the Delta Quadrant, that he will never have a family? Wasn't it clear from the very beginning?

Kathryn and her proposal. His life was well ordered for the very first time and she had thrown it upside down again. But when did the wish to have a baby grow so large? Have I done it for myself, he thought, or was I only doing it for her? To make her happy?

He breathed out. No it wasn't because of her, he wanted it too. He dreamed of it since he knew her. The reality hit him like a punch in his stomach. His dream would never come true.

The child let go of the dog's collar, threw a ball and the dog ran across the lawn and carried it back to the child who clapped excited.

Chakotay passed the three and smiled at the man right before he almost fainted.

"Mark," he gasped.

Mark looked questioning at Chakotay but recognized him after a second. "Commander Chakotay! This is quite a surprise. How are you?"

He held his hand out and Chakotay shook it automatically.

Mark studied Chakotay's face. "Something's wrong?"

The little boy threw the ball once again and Chakotay swallowed. He was never good at hiding his emotions. "No," he shook his head.

"Kath?" Chakotay only nodded. "Do you want to talk?"

Chakotay was amazed by this offer and frowned. "Really?"

"Sure," Mark shrugged. "If I can help you and Kath."

"Thank you."

"I'll bring my son home so we can talk without being disturbed every two seconds," he laughed and with an almost invisible sign the dog came and sat down beside him. "Let's say here in half an hour?" he asked while be bend down to put the leash at the dog's collar.

Chakotay nodded. "Mark," he called out as they started to leave. "Is that Molly?" he pointed at the dog.

"Yes. It's her."

"Can you bring her back with you?"

"I can leave her here." Without waiting for a response he gave Chakotay the leash. "I'll be back soon."

Chakotay looked down at the brown dog who was looking up at him. "Hi." He stood still like he was waiting for an answer but Molly only waggled her tail.

He walked over to a bench and Molly followed him. As he sat down she settled beside his leg and watched him. "I don't have cookies, I'm sorry," he told her as he stroked her head.

She laid her head on his knee and he caressed her fluffy fur. "You don't know me but I know you. You were Kathryn's dog. Do you remember Kathryn? Or should I say Kath?" He made a face. He hated that nickname as much as Kathryn did. "This is long ago and you must know that Kathryn didn't leave you because she didn't like you. She was forced to leave you. She was sent to search for me." He wanted to chuckle but it died in his throat. "She told me a lot about you on our journey and had a picture of you in her quarters. She never took it away because she loves you very much."

He got quiet while Molly enjoyed the caressing as they sat in silence, waiting.

#

"Hi."

"Hi."

Mark patted Molly who was excited that he was back. "Did she behave?"

"Yes. She's very easy."

"That's Kath's manner school. As long as I've known her she has always had dogs. And since 'Petunia'…," he smirked as he remembered the crazy puppy. "…Kath is very strict with manners."

"Petunia?"

"She found this crazy puppy in a cold, snowy night. She ate my sandwich!"

"Kathryn?"

"Petunia," Mark corrected him, laughing. "It was several months after Kath took her home. This dog had no manners and ran away at every opportunity. She ate my sandwich and I grabbed her and walked her back to her owner. I never suspected it would be Kath but that's how we met again." Chakotay smiled wry and remained quiet. "But I don't think you want to talk about Kath's dogs or ex-fiancés. Don't you want to tell me what's on your mind?"

Chakotay sighed. "Yeah…," he examined his hands and Molly walked back to him and laid her head on his knee again. Chakotay smiled slightly and started to caress her again.

"I know we don't know each other well but you can tell me," Mark assured him as Chakotay hesitated.

"You know that Kathryn and I are married."

"Yes. She told me."

Chakotay exhaled and examined Mollies ears. "We've been trying to have a baby."

"Really?" Mark's face lit up. "We never talked about having our own family. I always thought she didn't want a family." Chakotay swallowed hard and Mark noticed it. "What's wrong, Chakotay?"

"We… she… we can't have a child anymore. It's too late." Molly settled between his legs and he took her head in his hands.

"I'm sorry."

"You know Kathryn. She punishes herself and thinks it's her fault. It is not, of course. We just needed our time."

Mark sighed. "Kath is indeed very hard on herself."

"I try to comfort her but she doesn't listen." He started to knead Molly's ears.

"She hates to accept help. Kath had built a wall around herself."

"I thought I had broken it."

"You have."

"Have I?" Chakotay replied bitterly.

"Chakotay, when I saw Kath after you came back from the Delta Quadrant she was distant, cold and I thought oh my… what happened to her but when I met her last September she was happy, nearly crazy and jaunty. She openly talked about her feelings. She never did that before. Believe me, you have broken her wall." Mark watched Chakotay from the side. "She may still hide her feelings in front of strangers or colleagues but she is open like never before with her family and friends. You have accomplished more than any of us before."

Chakotay remained silent for a moment and kneaded Molly's ears further. "Maybe you are right. But it is so hard."

"I know. Kath isn't easy. She never was."

"She stays the whole day in bed in a darkened room. She is depressed, I notice it but she doesn't accept help."

"Phoebe helped her when her father died."

"I know and she suggested a puppy. Do you think a dog would help?" For the first time Chakotay turned his head to look at Mark.

"Give it a try."

"I don't want to buy a dog if she doesn't want it."

"What if a friend needs a dog-sitter for a few weeks?" Chakotay frowned quizzically. "We want to go to Risa." Mark rolled his eyes. "My _wife_ wants to make a trip to Risa. So we need someone for Molly."

"Kathryn will be pleased." Chakotay smiled for a second. "Normally…"

"I think it will help. And if she doesn't like it don't buy a dog but if she likes it…," he smiled and half-shrugged at Chakotay.

"You are right," Chakotay said and straightened his back. "How long will you be away?"

"Three weeks."

"If she has no interest, Molly will survive three weeks with me."

"Great. But promise me one thing."

"Sure."

"If it doesn't help and Kath doesn't get on her feet by herself after this three weeks contact a counselor without asking her."

"I promise. Thank you, Mark."

"No problem," he shrugged. "You looked like you needed someone to talk to whom you don't see every day."

"Yeah… it is hard with your friends who see Kathryn only as strong and fearless Captain Janeway."

Mark nodded. "I'll call you as soon as I know when we start for Risa."

"Okay."

They rose.

"You can call me if you need to talk."

"Thank you. I'm sure I will need help someday again." Chakotay was visibly relieved and chuckled.

"Yes," Mark laughed. "I never understood that woman!"

=/\=

Kathryn blinked. The room was dark and there was no sound in the air. She snuggled in her pillow without the comfort it usually gave her though through the last weeks nothing could comfort her. Not even Chakotay. She would love to cry but the tears didn't come. There was nothing in her. No emotions, no feelings. She felt lost and alone.

Suddenly she heard the front door open. Chakotay is back, she thought.

"Come in," she heard him say. "Come."

She frowned. Had he brought someone with him?

Whoever it is isn't very talkative, she thought. She heard him walking in the kitchen and then water running.

"Here, for you," he said.

Kathryn groaned. Hopefully it wasn't a counselor. She hated only the thought of counselors these days but to her surprise it remained quiet, except for Chakotay's steps as he walked through the apartment. He didn't even come to say hello, she noticed and felt more alone but somehow it increased her curiosity.

She turned to her side, waiting for something to happen. After a few quiet minutes she fell into a half-sleep.

"Iek!" She jolted awaked. "What…?" she sputtered and saw a dog's face only inches from her and a wet tongue slid over her face. She sat up and rubbed her face. "Who are…" She thought she was dreaming. "Molly?!"

Molly licked Kathryn's hand now that her face was too far away. "Could you please stop this?" Kathryn told her firmly and took her hand away. "What are you doing here?"

Molly trotted away, obviously unimpressed, and began to sniff at the furniture. Kathryn pushed her blanked away and rose to her feet.

Chakotay looked up from the book he was pretending to read as Kathryn entered the living room, followed by Molly.

"What is she doing here?" She pointed at the dog.

"Mark asked me if we can take her while they are on Risa."

"You've talked to Mark?"

"Yes," he said as it would be nothing and tried not to show her how nervous his heart was beating.

"How long will she stay?"

"Three weeks."

She opened her mouth and he saw how her brain was working but she couldn't seem to formulate a response and shut her mouth again. Turning on her heels, she left the room and his gaze wandered to the open page of his book though he still wasn't reading and listened rather what she was doing next. Relieved and almost happy he noticed that she didn't go back to bed and walked instead into the kitchen. Chakotay grinned to himself as he heard her talking to Molly and imagined her spoiling the dog with cookies and he thought how he should thank Mark for his idea.

=/\=

Through the following days Kathryn and Chakotay didn't talk very much. He let her have space on her own while he noticed with pleasure that she took care of Molly. The only thing she didn't do was going for a walk with her. Chakotay was aware that she hadn't left their apartment since they came back from the Doctor and he needed a plan how he could get her out without pushing her. And he knew pushing wouldn't help, it would make it worse.

As Kathryn sat at the breakfast table one day Chakotay saw his opportunity.

"I'll be late this evening," he told her and she frowned. "Molly," he pointed at the brown fur ball at her feet. "There is nobody who can take her for a walk. I'll clean up when I come home." He didn't wait for a response, just kissed her good-bye.

"I won't go for a walk with you, you don't have to look this way," Kathryn told Molly as Chakotay had left. "I know what Chakotay is trying to do but you can look as sweet as you want, I won't go."

As soon as Molly left the place at Kathryn's feet and stood whining and howling at the front door Kathryn couldn't help herself.

"Only out of the door," she told Molly and put her coat on.

They left the apartment and walked for two hours. Kathryn didn't recognize how long she was gone, the sun stood low at a cloudless sky and almost invited her for a long walk.

As they were home again she ate a light lunch and slept until afternoon before she went out with Molly a second time.

As Chakotay came home he found the two cuddling in the bed. "There is no puddle," he said.

"We went for a walk," Kathryn smiled slightly without opening her eyes and Chakotay felt as if he could jump to warp.

Early the next morning Kathryn told Chakotay that she would contact a counselor. He only nodded and didn't ask questions. He sensed it was something she had to do on her own though she wasn't alone, she took Molly with her.

With every passing day he noticed that she was constantly feeling better. Whatever she was talking about with her counselor, it seemed to help.

Chakotay and Kathryn also talked more now but only light and casual topics, nothing with relevance.

Anxiety started to rise in Chakotay as the three weeks were almost over and Mark's call came closer. Chakotay saw how Molly helped Kathryn and he desperately hoped she wouldn't break down when Mark took her home.

As Mark's call finally came Chakotay answered it. Only seconds later Kathryn leaned over his shoulder and greeted Mark. "Hi. You are back," she said, smiling, and Chakotay mentally breathed out in relief.

"We are. I wanted to know when I can pick up Molly."

Without a visible reaction Kathryn answered. "How about this evening?"

"Sure. I'll be there."

"See you then," she said and turned the screen off.

Chakotay turned to her. "You're okay with this?"

He regretted asking as soon as he spoke the last words. He saw how her face hardened and, no surprise, he saw the captain's unreadable mask.

"Of course," she snapped and turned away. She strode into the bedroom, shutting the door in front of an astonished Molly. Chakotay rose and stopped in the doorway to the living room, watching the poor dog. He rubbed his face with two hands and swallowed his tears. It seemed to all be beginning anew.

He sat down on the couch, trying to order his mind. He wasn't very successful and was more staring into nothingness than was really thinking. The bedroom door put an end to his efforts as Kathryn came out and left the apartment without a word. She was quick and Chakotay only saw the closed front door and a now completely confused Molly.

"Come, Molly," he said to the dog. "I don't think she will give you any attention anymore."

Molly followed him and sat down beside his legs as he took his place on the couch again. He started to stroke over her head and she laid her head on his knee, watching him with sad eyes. "I really thought this would work. Don't get me wrong, you did a very good job but somehow I knew it would end this way… I'm sorry, Molly. It's not your fault."

#

Kathryn came home shortly before Mark arrived. Chakotay didn't know where she had been but he saw her red eyes she tried to hide.

"Kathryn," he started as he entered the kitchen behind her. "When it hurts you so much I'm sure we could talk to Mark and ask if Molly could stay longer or…"

"No," she said, her back to him. "The three weeks are over. Molly helped me but she isn't part of our," she swallowed quickly. "Family. She is part of theirs. I can't take her out of their life."

"Kathryn…," he took some steps towards her.

"No Chakotay. It wouldn't be fair."

"And what if we get our own dog?"

"No."

A knock on the door announced their guest. Chakotay sighed and left the kitchen reluctantly to open the door. "Hi."

"Hello," Mark replied and Chakotay tensed as he heard footsteps behind him.

"Hello, Mark," Kathryn said and hugged him. "Good to see you."

Mark smiled a victorious smile over Kathryn's shoulder at Chakotay. She is good, Chakotay thought, she is still able to mask her feelings. As they pulled away Mark greeted Molly exuberantly. She barked and jumped up and down, obviously happy that he was back.

"Did she cause any problems?" he asked as Molly calmed down.

"No. It's nice to see that you didn't ruin my work," Kathryn winked and Chakotay had to stop his mouth from falling open. She is _very_ good, he thought.

"Do you want to come in?"

"No, I'm sorry. I promised to be home for dinner."

"Okay."

"Thanks for taking care of Molly."

"It was nice having her around," Kathryn smiled and Chakotay gave Mark Molly's belongings.

Mark smiled, wished them good-bye and left with Molly. For the rest of the evening Kathryn didn't say a word and Chakotay distracted himself with work.

#

Kathryn stayed taciturn and Chakotay argued with himself whether it would be better to talk to her or let her deal with the situation alone. Whatever he finally did, and he tried everything, it was wrong and she snapped at him.

She was also getting restless and wanted to go back to work though it wasn't until mid-December that her counselor certified her fit for duty, much to Chakotay's surprise and he wondered if she was moody only when he was around.

He didn't dare to think that everything would be fine when she got back to work and was right. With her very first day back on duty she became sick. Her stomach was a knot and she felt miserable.

Her counselor told her it could be her subconscious, telling her she needed more time to adjust and recover. Kathryn hated it but couldn't fight it. Her body told her to take it easy.

To make it worse she had emotional outbursts. She yelled, she screamed, she cried. Chakotay felt more and more overstrained with the situation while Christmas stepped closer and closer and Kathryn's mood got colder and colder.

=/\=

"I don't want to go to Indiana!" Kathryn yelled and stormed into the kitchen.

Chakotay followed her with a sigh. Kathryn's emotional outbursts grew stronger each day.

"We can stay in San Francisco but don't you think your mother will miss you?"

Kathryn waved dismissively with her hand. "Doesn't bother me. Phoebe is there."

"Kathryn," he said gently.

"No, Chakotay, _no_! I don't want company. I want to be alone!"

"It's your second Christmas with your family since we've been back and our first one together…"

"We spent the last together, too!"

"You know what I mean!" His voice rose. "I thought we could celebrate a happy holiday."

"I'm sorry that I don't fulfill your expectations," she hissed and grabbed her coffee cup.

"You set the expectations! I'm pleased with the life we have."

"Great, Chakotay. Be happy."

He breathed deeply to calm down. "You can be happy too. You just need to want to."

"I want to!" She yelled openly. "Do you think I like this?" She gestured with her hand fast up and down her body.

"No."

"So don't tell me what I have to do. You have no idea," she narrowed her eyes furiously.

"The only thing I say is…"

"Stop it!"

"Kathryn…"

"Stop! I can't hear it anymore."

Chakotay shook his head and felt his patience coming to an end.

"What?" she snapped.

"Nothing."

She snorted and he watched her filling her cup.

"Kathryn, we should talk."

"About what?"

"About what?" he repeated incredulously. "About our situation."

"I don't want to talk."

"Great," he threw his hands in the air. "Just great. Let's never talk again."

"Chakotay…"

"No, Kathryn! When you don't get what you want you react the same way every time. Why can't we openly talk? Why can't you accept that there are things in life you cannot change?" She opened her mouth but he spoke on. "I want a baby, too. I am sad like you are that we won't have a family. We could, we have enough other options but you won't even consider these options. You made your decision and the conclusion is that we won't have children. It is… okay, for me. We'll have a dog and a house with a garden, our jobs and a lot of other people's children to spoil. But you only see black and white. Right or wrong. But Kathryn life doesn't work this way. There's more than black and white. And sometimes I hate the way you think. Sometimes I really hate it."

There was a quiet moment before she spoke. "Maybe this was a bad idea."

"What?"

"Us. Together."

"You can't mean it. We are happy."

" _You_ are happy. _I_ am not."

"You will be happy again. You only need time. You have to give your…"

"NO!" she screamed. "Don't say what I need to do. _Don't_!"

He felt his own anger boiling in his stomach and exhaled slowly. "Kathryn, we really should talk when we are both calmed down."

"NO! It's too late, Chakotay. It is _too_ late."

He couldn't hold back any longer. "Does that mean it's over? You throw our relationship out of the nearest airlock just because it's getting a little rough?"

"A little rough?" she yelled bitterly. "This is more than a 'little rough'."

"Great… fine with me," he turned around.

"Where are you going?" she asked angrily.

"I need fresh air," he replied fiercely and stormed out of the kitchen. He grabbed his jacket and slammed the front door close behind him.

She threw her coffee cup after him and fell to the floor and cried.

#

"Kathryn?" he called out in the dark apartment. "Are you here?"

"I'm sorry," he said quietly as he found her sitting on the bathroom floor. She looked horrible; pale and sweaty and he could swear she had emptied her stomach only a few moments before.

"Chakotay…," she whispered and he saw how heavily she shivered. He crouched beside her and took her into a tight embrace.

"Chakotay," she sobbed, her voice cracking. "I hope… I want… you know that I didn't marry you…"

He stroke softly over her hair. "What, Kathryn?"

"Only because I want your children," she looked with red eyes up at him. "I married you because I love you. I won't leave you," she cried while she clung to him with weak arms. "Please don't leave me either."

"Oh, Kathryn," he said, her desperation tearing him apart. "I won't leave you. I can barely leave you for an hour, how could I leave you for the rest of my life?"

"I'm glad I have you," she sobbed.

"And I'm lucky to have you."

"I'm such a mess."

He pushed some of her sweaty hair strains behind her ear. "To me you are the most beautiful woman in the universe."

"Even now?"

"Even now."

"You are not objective."

"How could I be? You're the love of my life."

"You are blind."

"Maybe… Or maybe I see you how you really are."

She made a face. "When did you become such a romantic?"

"I don't know…," he chuckled quietly and to his surprise emerged a tiny smile on her lips. He settled her head under his chin and caressed her back softly. "… but with you it's easy to be romantic."

After a while she started to calm down. "I don't want to go to Indiana for Christmas. I'm bad company… I want to be alone."

"Alone, alone or alone with me?"

She raised her head. "Alone with you."

He smiled. "That's a lovely idea but please think of your mother. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for her."

"You mean it could be her last Christmas?"

"No, I hope we will have many Christmases together. I mean she, and you, had to celebrate apart for seven years."

Kathryn rolled her eyes and sighed. "I know you are right… I just don't have much energy to pull myself together."

"Your mother will be happy even if you spend the whole holiday on the couch."

"She will 'mother' me."

"Is that so bad?"

She thought for a moment and a second tiny smile appeared. "No, I don't think so."

"So we'll go?"

"Yes. We'll go."

He smiled a dimpled smile and touched her face softly. Suddenly she jumped up and threw up again. He held her hair back and tried to comfort her.

When she was finished he helped her cleaning her face and steadied her while they were walking towards their bedroom.

"I hate my body," she said tired.

"I know."

"If I didn't know better…," her voice came to an end and she wiped some tears away.

"I know what you are thinking," he saw her tears and pulled her into a hug. "Kathryn we'll go through this together. We've managed so much we will also manage this. Your body will calm down. You'll see."

She choked on her tears and wasn't able to reply.

They walked on and he tucked her into bed, rested beside her and held her body close to his.


	6. Christmas

Kathryn and Chakotay went to Indiana on December 23th. Kathryn was still not in a celebration mood and went right after dinner in Gretchen's guest room where she and Chakotay stayed through the holidays.

She also still felt sick and spent most of the next day in the bathroom and with a headache in bed.

Chakotay didn't know how to help her. His heart clenched every time he saw her rushing in the bathroom and heard the noises she made in there. He only tried two times to comfort her but she wouldn't allow it anymore. He sighed, left her alone and didn't try again.

It was early on Christmas morning as Chakotay awoke because of the noise in the bathroom. "Kathryn?" he called concerned and got up. "Is everything okay?"

The door opened and a furious Kathryn emerged. "Nothing is okay!" she yelled. "I've just emptied everything out of me!"

"Again?"

"Yes, _again_."

"You should call the Doctor."

"No, Chakotay." She glared at him. "Just bring me something for this stupid nausea," she hissed and crawled back in bed.

He sighed and left, knowing every word would make it worse. "Merry Christmas, Chakotay," he murmured sadly as he closed the door.

#

"Come in." Chakotay opened the door to the bedroom.

"What the…," Kathryn turned around and groaned loudly at the sight of the Doctor.

"Good to see you too, Admiral," the Doctor said cheerfully.

"What did I say?" she spat in Chakotay's direction.

"You wanted something for the nausea. I think the Doctor will help."

"How do you feel exactly?" the Doctor asked, ignoring the glance Kathryn gave Chakotay.

"Nauseous, I have a terrible headache, my knees feel like jelly, everyone and everything is bothering me… shall I go on?"

"Hmhm. I will scan you."

She rested her back at the pillows while Chakotay walked on the other side of the room.

"Hmmm…," the Doctor hummed as he began to scan her. Kathryn suppressed the urge to hit him. "Admiral, since when have you felt nauseous?"

"I don't know… two, three weeks."

"Hmmm…" Kathryn rolled her eyes. "And these mood-swings?"

"MOOD-SWINGS?" she yelled outraged and shot up. "I don't have mood-swings!"

"Of course not." He ducked his head and exchanged a glance with her husband, who still stood as far away as he could.

"Could you just give me a hypospray?" she asked now far too nicely.

"First I want to know the reason for your discomfort." He tipped some buttons on his tool and scanned her again. She groaned and laid back. "Hmm… I see…"

"Doctor?" she asked unnerved.

"Congratulations." He smiled pleased. "You are pregnant."

"That is not funny," she hissed dangerously.

"I'm not kidding. Look." He gave her the tricorder while Chakotay took a few brave steps towards the bed. Kathryn scanned herself thoroughly and her face changed from furious red to unbelieving pale.

"This can't be true," she said after she looked up. "You said it yourself. I can't get pregnant anymore."

The Doctor frowned and his eyes wandered from Kathryn to Chakotay and back. "What do you mean?"

"You said I am menopausal."

"When did I say that?"

"When we came to you because I thought I was pregnant."

The Doctor's frown deepened but before either Kathryn or Chakotay had the chance to speak the Doctor spoke. "Don't tell me this was at my new office."

"It was. You just moved there."

"Great, just great," he said angrily, throwing his hands in the air.

"Doctor?"

"You know that after we came back and Starfleet gave me more freedom and individual rights, they asked me where I wanted to work." Kathryn and Chakotay nodded. "And you know I was torn between going to Jupiter Station or Starfleet Medical and decided to work at Starfleet Medical in the end."

"Yes."

"Starfleet wanted to equip my office with the newest technology, including new holo emitter. Six weeks ago everything was installed and they downloaded my program for the first time into the new matrix. I asked if Lt. Torres could keep an eye on it, she knows my program better than anyone else, but they assured me that Starfleet's best engineers would do it." He rolled his eyes. "I began to malfunction. Some of my subroutines weren't compatible with the new emitter, others were deleted like some of my memory files but we noticed that something was wrong only after I ran for four days. I thought it was all restored, the engineers worked for weeks to repair the damage." He looked shocked at Kathryn. "Is this the reason why you were suffering through the last weeks?"

"Yes."

The Doctor looked like he was about to start crying. "Admiral, Commander, I am endlessly sorry. If I had known I would've…"

"It is okay, Doctor," Kathryn assured him. "It was apparently not your fault."

"It is still annoying to be manipulated so easily, though."

"I will make sure that B'Elanna goes to check you and repair the remaining damage."

"Thank you, Admiral." The Doctor smiled thankfully at his former captain.

It was silent for a moment until Kathryn's eyes suddenly widened and she looked over to Chakotay. "I can't be… we hadn't had…"

His face turned into a grin. "The night after we visited our Doc."

She began to radiate as she remembered. "I am really…?" she whispered.

"Pregnant," the Doctor completed. "You are going to be parents."

"We are going to be…"

"Parents," Chakotay said, jumped beside her and hugged her. "I love you, Kathryn," he murmured in her hair.

"I love you too."

She pulled away and he took her head in his hands. "I can't believe it."

"Me neither."

He kissed her forehead and rose. "Is she really okay?" he addressed the Doctor. "She felt very sick through the last days."

"I will scan her again." The Doctor grabbed his tricorder just to comfort them even if he knew she was okay. "Everything is fine," he assured them as he closed his tricorder. "I will give you something that will suppress the nausea."

"Is that okay for the baby? I had a lot of hyposprays through the last days. I don't want to hurt her… or him."

"I will check you regularly, since you're far too old for a first pregnancy…" Kathryn glared at him. "…but for now your babies are in perfect health."

" _Babies_?" Chakotay swallowed stunned.

"I can proudly say you're expecting twins," the Doctor beamed.

"Twins?"

"Twins. For older women multiple births are nothing unusual. It was expected that you would have at least twins."

Kathryn shook her head. "I can't believe it. Ten minutes ago I thought I will never have children and now we're having two."

"It's Christmas, Admiral. Time for wonder," the Doctor winked and gathered his tools.

"Is there anything we should keep in mind?" Chakotay asked concerned.

"No alcohol, of course. A lot of rest, fluids and food. You will probably have a huge appetite, there is nothing to worry about. And the other things… you can say whatever mommy likes the babies like it, too. Except coffee!" He added hastily but noticed quickly how far away he sent his former command team with the word 'mommy'. It was probably further than the Delta Quadrant, he guessed at the dreamy expressions on their faces.

He tapped his combadge. "Doctor to Starfleet Medical. One to beam out."

"Acknowledged," the transporter chief answered.

"Merry Christmas," the Doctor wished Kathryn and Chakotay with a smile as he shimmered away.

"Merry Christmas," Kathryn whispered joyfully.

 _The End_

…

 _?_

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you for reading and everyone who wrote a review. I really appreciate it.  
**

 **It doesn't end here. I couldn't help myself and wrote a third (and last!) part. It's called 'One for you, one for me'.  
**


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